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| Yep - I like to throw tantrums! *grin* |
However, while we were at the pool, we got a phone call that the lawyer was going to pick us up in 45 minutes to take us to court. The interpreter told us that she started the court process on Saturday even though we didn't have our ICBF interview. She said she was a very fast lawyer and had many friends at the court, so we should sail through pretty smoothly. We were excited to hear that. We might be able to make those March 10th flights after all! But who knows...we have been told to be flexible, so we will go with the flow, try to surive a week with our tantrum-filled toddler, and hope it goes by faster than slower.
So after scrambling through baths for the girls, showers for us, and getting a diaper bag packed up, we went to "court." On the way, we realized we forgot to put the girls' shoes on. Oops!
Court existed of us going to the court and signing a paper. Yep, we drove 25 minutes each way to sign a paper. But we needed to do so in order to make things official to start the court process. The kids were great in the car - Rosa drank her bottle and fell asleep. Katie giggled over every bump and eventually fell asleep.
They were sleeping deeply during nap, and then the maid knocked on the door, waking them both up. Katie hasn't been the same since. She really needed another hour of sleep. She got extremely angry whenever I was even near Rosa and threw some nasty tantrums today. She even decided to not let me touch her during the ICBF interview. It wasn't until the end that she finally let me hold her. So much for showing them how bonded she was. I was sad because the social worker cares a lot for these girls, and I wanted her to see how things have actually been these last few days. After the interview was over, Katie continued to throw tantrums,and it go to the point where I had to put her in a mild restraint hold for a half hour while she screamed and cried. But she finally calmed down and was pleasant for at least a couple of hours. Then it was back to tantrums again.
I finally broke down and cried, so Tim took the cue and took Katie for his first daddy-daughter solo time with her. Honestly, we probably should have done this earlier in the week, but Katie wasn't ready for that with him yet. Tim took her to the park, they had ice cream, and an hour later, they came back to a much more put-together mommy playing with Rosa.
I know what everyone says - "Welcome to motherhood." But honestly, I am so tired of hearing that. It doesn't help. I'm sitting her with a child who is dealing with issues out of my control, who is angry about her loss, and she doesn't fully understand what is happening to her and doesn't fully trust these strange looking people who call themselves "Mommy" and "Daddy." It makes me so mad that she has had to live through so much by the age of 2 and a half. This isn't typical motherhood. Most people at least get the chance to start off their baby's life with love and nurture. Poor Katie and Rosa didn't get that.
Then, the doubts start creaping in. How long will this go on? Is it always going to be like this? Can I do this? I can't even begin to describe the despair I have felt today. I know what people will say, "This too shall pass" or "It will get better." I don't want to hear that. I want to hear the stories of people who had toddlers like this through adoption and SURVIVED. Because honestly, I wonder if we will survive.
Anyways, Tim gave me a great Valentine's Day present tonight. He took Katie to the park for an hour, got her ice cream, and brought MOMMY back ice cream. Funny how much that heals. Makes me almost ready to start another tantrum-filled day...*sigh*
Welcome to motherhood, Ginny. This too shall pass.
Ginny, I know you don't believe it but it will get better but it can be very hard work. Angelica did not have tantrums but we traveled to Colombia with a 5 year old who to this day struggles with attachment/abandonment issues. His tantrums involved physical harm to me. We were terrified that ICBF in Colombia would see his interaction with me and refuse to let us bring Angelica home. Now at age 10 we are now dealing with childhood depression as well.
ReplyDeleteWe were told by someone that Monteria does not have a lot of "good foster families" most only do it for the money. At 19 months Angelica could not chew, stand, say any words and spent hours rocking so hard she banged her head on the floor. She was also only wearing 6-9 month clothes. We were more frustrated that Colombia had flat out lied to us about her condition. We don't even think the referral pic.
I wish I could give you a great big HUG! Please know we are thinking of you guys.
PS Angelica kissed the screen...so she's sending her little Monteria buddy a kiss. Love her outfit..AODRABLE!!
ReplyDeleteDeanna - Thank you for your words of encouragement. I loved the part about Angelica kissing the screen! That made me smile, something I needed to do to end my day.
ReplyDeleteHi Ginny, I've been following along on your journey and wanted to encourage you after reading this post. We have three children (all through adoption, one Colombian) and one of our children still struggles with effects of trauma. Maybe this will get better, and I pray that it does, but it may also be a recurring problem, as it is for us. Either way YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. You will become a stronger mother as you seek to parent your daughter in a way that will bring healing to her. Read The Connected Child, if you haven't already. Early trauma is huge, but not insurmountable. You can do it! His mercies are new every morning . . . .
ReplyDeleteYour journey to motherhood is unique, like many of us commenting on here. Our boys were 2.5 years and our daughter was 8.5 years when we adopted them. Four years later (today is our adoption anniversary!) they all still struggle in their own ways with things that happened to them in Colombia. While it might get easier, it might not, over time, your bond with your girls will be so much stronger than it is now. And I think just acknowledging that they are grieving is a huge step. I am praying you will have strength and love and that you'll also stay connected to your husband . . . that is a HUGE help! He sounds very sensitive to your needs as a mom already and that's great! With love from PA! . . .
ReplyDeleteOh, at the risk of you getting tired of chatting with me.....I just love what everyone has said and could not agree more. I remember emailing Deanna about some specific issues I was having with one of the twins early on....she encouraged me so much, just like they are all doing for you now.
ReplyDeleteI was recently talking to a therapist the specializes in children with traumatic histories. She told me that parenting a child that has experienced any trauma is NOT the same as parenting a child without and traumatic history. Hearing like that made me realize I am not loosing my mind (although it feels like it sometimes). We all know how it is to have something trigged from our past...and before we know it we REACT....our children are not doing "this" to us. They love very much but they've been hurt.
My girls now will sometimes say, "Mommy, when we are mean, get mad and fight, hit or bite each other, do you still love us?"....."Yes, honey, I do"....."Do you love us all day long and all night long?"......"Yes sweetie, Mommy loves you all the time"....."We love you all day and all night too"......
All of us here, including you, ARE making it through....one day at a time. (or sometimes just 'til naptime) Isn't it crazy how we can't tell someone about these feelings before hand? You have to feel it -- together. It is hard but it will not always be hard.....
You've been given great advice and encouragement, so I'll try not to repeat any of it, but here's my "two cents". I think that some of those first few days and weeks you just have to survive. Your time in Colombia will end and you will be home in familiar territory and able to set schedules and control things so much easier. Living in a hotel, in a place where you know no one, and receiving two children who have no understanding of what is going on is a HUGE challenge for everyone! Give yourself a break - you're not going to do everything perfectly, you won't be able to meet every need they have, or fix all of the hurt they have had in a few days. We think we can, but until you have been there I think it is really difficult to understand what it will be like - hard! :) But, there are those moments when you see them begin to trust you, when you know you have meet a need, or you just watch them sleeping so sweetly - and you realize that you can and will do this thing called parenting.
ReplyDeleteOur boys were 2, 5 and 8. The 2 and 5 year old hated each other. They were terribly jealous of each other and would physically try to injure the other. If we even looked at one, the other one was mad! We did our share of holding and "divide and conquer". When one of us knew the other had had enough, we would step in and take over to give each other a break. Now, they are inseparable. Our 2 year old did not talk - he pointed and screamed. And really, he didn't do any significant talking for about 6 months. Then he wouldn't be quiet. They did not like being told "no" and threw their share of kicking and screaming fits. We have some great pictures of those times and now we all look back at them and laugh. You will too. In a week, a month, and a year you will think back and see how far you all have come.
Erin's right - if you haven't read The Connected Child do it. It's a great book.
Know that those of us who have been where you are survived and so will you. We're praying for you everyday.
Hi Guys!
ReplyDeleteI found myself right back in Colombia while reading your post. Your dear friends and family are TRYING to be supportive and encouraging but, those words get lost when you witness a childs extreme frustration and grief first hand.
Our daughter was 16 months old and had been with a kind foster family when we met her. During the day, she was very social and affectionate. Nightime was another story. She would violently bang her head against the crib. Having two teenage sons, I had never seen anything like it. We could not get her to stop no matter how much comfort we offered. We padded the crib and just rubbed her back. I was worried we were being selfish and that we were torturing her by keeping her from her foster family. Night after night we went through this. These images coupled with a language barrier and no sleep caused me to have a major meltdown. Unfortunately, mine occurred in front of our attorney and in country facilitator. For some stupid reason I did not think a child this young would be phased. WRONGO! Here is what I learned. What Katie is expressing is very normal and it is healthy she is getting it all out. Understand that parenting at home is far different than parenting under a microscrope in a hotel setting. Take it day by day and embrace the beautiful country. It will be up to you to tell them all about it one day.
We survived and Sofia is a happy, sassy 4 year old now. We are lucky enough to live just miles away from Julia and her beautiful little Colombianas. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Just wanted to say, we are surviving! It was not easy. It has been an incredibly hard journey at times, but here we are 1 year after arriving home with our 4.5, 3, and 18 month old boys and they have made incredible strides (as have we as parents!). They are so different than they were a year ago, in a wonderful way. And I may be a little prejudice, but I think they were pretty darn tough! Lots of screaming, hitting, spitting, swearing, all out of these tiny little guys and all directed at us, not each other. You will survive, and it will be GOOD. It might continue to be hard, but that is OK. Stay connected with your husband, share all your thoughts together so you can encourage one another. And I agree with whoever said Colombia is survival time. Totally one day at a time! You are going to be ok!!! God has your family, and He will continue to have you throughout all your days together.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about what to write to encourage you since you wrote about the tantrums a few days ago. I wanted to think of something helpful and not that it will get better and in Colombia it is survival mode...even though that is the truth. Our youngest was 2 1/2 and our twins were 3 so needless to say there was a lot of crying, screaming and refusing to walk (all at a crowded mall no less and everywhere else). Our youngest had problems with me and was a papi's girl. I spent many times (even for the entire first year)letting her cry while I sat there saying "Mami loves you and I am here for you" over and over again until she would crawl into my lap. Try and think about just making it until nap time (take a nap yourself), then bed time (watch a movie on your computer in english), then the next day. One step at a time. Remember that God has given you everything you will need.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we would just pray and sing over the girls in english while they were crying, not knowing what else to do. Brian and I took turns crying in the bathroom. The tears will stop and the kicking screaming fits will become less and less, and the hurts will begin to heal.
I am reliving those moments with our girls while reading your blog but at least I have the end result to look at...which is 3 wonderful daughters. These 2 adorable girls are yours and God has given them to you to help bandage and lather with love their healing hearts.
You can do it!
Everyone: Thanks so much for these comments. Tim and I have been SO encouraged reading all of this. It's so nice to hear from folks who have been through this. It helps us not feel so alone down here. We really needed that after yesterday!
ReplyDeleteGinny, I want to tell you how much I have enjoyed following your blog! You have been so very open and honest and even if you don't realize it you are helping those of us out here who are waiting to experience what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteYes, I don't understand what you are going through from an adoptive standpoint, but I do have 2 young ones of my own. The ages you are dealing with are very hard to begin with. Typically starting at 18 months to around 3 (with no lag as we learn in our training)are pretty difficult times. Children brought up in optimal care have hard controlling their emotions and they are learning how to be in this world. Now couple that with delays and coming from less than optimal care it has to be tremendously difficult. The purpose of this post it to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for your journey. Some words of advice...
-Lack of sleep for both the kids and the parents is a very difficult thing.
-Walking away helps tremendously sometimes
-When kids get bored they can get cranky so sometime just changing things up a bit, even if it is every 20mins or so can help you get through. I have noticed just changing rooms can sometimes help.
Good luck! Carrie